Jamais

Never before have I felt so much and so little at the same time.
So much betrayal, so little remorse, so much hurt, so little trust.
Never before have I been so thoroughly condemned,
For something I was given no chance to right.
Never before...
Never again.

Injuste

It still wrenches at my gut, and tears at my insides, just how unfair this is. How much you totally and utterly didn't deserve it. And how cruel it is that there's nothing can be done, and nothing can be said which will bring you back. It's been a month, and it's felt like the longest time, but I know for some it would feel like only yesterday that you were here, smiling that incredible smile of yours.

I don't know why I do it, but I find myself pouring over the words and thoughts and tears that are spilt for you, and I find myself overwhelmed. Just completely lost in all the emotions, and the struggle between grief and happiness. I barely knew you, but I feel like I've come to know a part of you just by reading the heartbreak and love that still surrounds you. And it feels like you're still here.

My perspective has honestly been changed for good, and for the better, thanks to you. It's like this myriad of bittersweet lessons-learned have sprung up. In every orange rose, in each bright smile, is a reminder of the beauty of life, and all that we have to cherish. And in the oddest way, there's a sense of safety, knowing you're up there, and out there, looking over the ones you love.

Because even though I doubt you'll spend any time watching me and my little life, it's kinda nice to know that someday, when I need it, someone will be looking over me too.

So thanks, Megan, for teaching me that angels do exist, and that they are truly, truly beautiful.

I'm scared.

So scared of all the things I don't know.

Sleep

I can't sleep.
I can't speak to you.


The cogs in my brain won't stop whirring,
The gears of my mind won't stand still.
My eyes are wide open, my body won't rest,
And my heart won't stop beating until...