Ciel blanc

Today, the sky isn't blue.
There are no clouds.
There is no sun.
It is just sky.
White sky.

Why

Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why?

Fuck.

Jeff Buckley

Still amazes me every time I listen to him. Every single time. And I love the surprise I get when I stumble upon music of his that I previously haven't heard. The light, hollow feeling that washes over me along with his voice. And I never felt that feeling stronger than when I first heard his duet with Elizabeth Taylor.

All flowers in time bend towards the sun.
I know you say that there's no-one for you,
But here is one, here is one... here is one

One that can never be known;
Either all drunk with the world at her feet,
Or sober with no place to go.

I don't know if angels are real, but if they are, Buckley was one of them . He created music about life, and for life, and that made you want to live. And I find it painfully ironic that he had his life taken from him by no means of his own. There aren't many people I would give my life for, but if it meant even one more song - one more hymn to live my life by - I'd give a piece of my soul to have him back. Then again, I'm a strong believer in fate.

Maybe Duncan Sheik put it best when he said "Of course there is grace, and those halos of pain. Maybe he sang what he came here to sing". Maybe the world just couldn't handle so much power and beauty in one form. Or maybe I should stop caring so much about dead musicians.

Mon Anniv

It's my birthday. It's really not that exciting. No one seems to care about 17ths any more. I feel like I've been this age forever. I don't feel any older. I just don't feel as young. Nothing else has changed.

My Gran still gets excited that she knows how to text. My auntie still has no idea I hate all the cheap oversized jewellery she sends me every year. The rest of my relatives still won't remember it's my birthday til next week. Or will just send me a joint birthday/christmas present in five and a half months time. My dad still forgot to say happy birthday to me this morning. I'm still left on my own while my family go about usual daily life. And I still hate to say it, but sometimes I wish people would make a bigger deal of me.

Even though my to-do-list for today consists of cleaning the bathroom, tidying my bed, and eating spazz dogg for dinner, I did have some rather nice birthday celebrations last night. Went out to my favourite ever Japanese restaurant, with traditional food and those little tables where you take off your shoes and sit on a cushion. And of all the people (excluding familia of course) I could have invited, from my dozens and dozens of 'friends' and acquaintances... I chose Six.

At first, I felt kind of sad that of all the people in my life, there are only 6 I would consider true friends that I want to celebrate my birthday with. But then, if it really came down to it, I would be quite happy living my life with only those 6 people. And had anyone else been there last night, I wouldn't have been able to feel 100% comfortable, and 99% happy.

That last 1% is missing, because there is actually one more person I would have liked to be there. And yes it's a cliché, but words can't describe how I feel about him, and the total bliss I would have felt had he been here to celebrate with me. But, it's tradition that I never get what I want most on my birthday, and apart from the Netherlands winning the World Cup final, there was nothing I wanted more at that point in time.

Wow, big blog.