Too much.

There's just too many thoughts, fighting for dominance.
My head is a battleground, and there are no winners.
I'm at odds with everyone around me, even myself.
And I wish, oh, how I wish, it would all just....
Stop.

Once Again.

I've come out feeling like the bad guy. I've made myself look mean, and unreasonable. I'm still frightened of being with you. Because you're making me feel all these things. Because I'd managed to keep them locked up for months on end. Because I hate feeling like the horrible person I do now. I have never been so uncertain about anything in my entire life as I am about you and I. Not being in control of this scares me to death. I meant it when I said I hate you sometimes. I hate you because you manage to highlight the things I hate most about myself. But it's the kind of hate that makes me want to slap you hard across the face, and then hold your head in my hands and kiss you until I can't breathe. Until I collapse into you. I have never felt so passionately about anyone else but you, and even if that means sometimes I feel like I never want to see you again, I know that at the end of the day, if I find myself wrapped in your arms, I will be happy. And I will be yours.

V-Day

Today needn't have been any more special than any other day, but in the end, it was.
I received lovely messages from the people I hold nearest and dearest.
I had a charming backyard picnic with one of my best friends, with homemade cucumber and cream cheese sandwiches (cut into little triangles, of course), brownies, speculoos biscuits, and other culinary delights.
I watched countless funny animal videos with her, followed by Finding Nemo, all the while giggling and carrying on like twelve year olds.
I then made a delicious meal with another best friend, my mama, and finished just in time to run downstairs and greet yet another of my favourite people.
I was met with a bottle of wine, a bunch of flowers, and the words "Am I doing it right?"
I got to enjoy yet another Disney classic, Mulan, after laughing until I almost cried at The Producers.
I could not wipe the giddy smile off my face all night, and it still lingers at the corners of my lips and eyes.
I didn't expect to have such a wonderful day, but when I am surrounded by such beautiful people, I am not surprised that I did.
I, for the first time in my life, like Valentine's Day.
But what I would like more, is if people didn't need a commercial excuse for a holiday to express kindness, friendship, and love.
Please, let every day have the possibility to be the sweetest day of your year.

Remember Me.

I thought all I wanted was to forget you.
But, oh, how wrong I was.
I can feel it happening. You're slipping away.
Flashes, and blurs, without substance.
I can picture the words, but not the voice.
The bottle, but not the scent.
The shell, but not the contents.
The look, but not the feel.
You are fading.
I am fading.
These memories are no longer mine.
They belong to you, if you so choose.

Old Flame

You still have this way of haunting me, even though you're still breathing. And there are some times I wish you weren't, but there are others when all I want is just to share one more breath, and be done with it. You all crowd my head, and you cloud my vision, and I can't see what is staring me right in the face. I'm all choked up and you're doing just fine, but I wish I wasn't and I wish you weren't, and I wish I knew just what I wanted.

I don't want any of this.
I don't want any of you.
Just stop.

One of those days.

So I'm pretty sick of being me. And fairly tired of being alive. And I really just want everything to stop. I wish I could let down these stupid barriers and just be myself. Six months ago, I honestly thought I knew who I was, and now I barely even know why I'm here. It's exhausting, feeling this worthless, and having to constantly come up with reasons why I should bother staying awake. It's a pretty horrible feeling, having to come here to write down my thoughts because I don't feel comfortable actually verbalising them to anyone except my mother. I want everyone I know to see the real me. I just want to stop pretending. I'm fed up with picturing my broken body twisted across a pavement, and wondering how many people I've actually left a lasting impression on. Sick sick sick.

You.

What do I do when I'm falling to pieces and the only person I want to put me back together again is somewhere on a distant planet living an entirely different life and has most likely forgotten that I'm not okay and I need them now more than ever.