Insomnia.

I need to stop overthinking.
I need to realise that no one here is judging my vocabulary, my grammar, my sentence structure.
I'm going to try and write without thinking.
But with this music pulsing through my head, how can I think of anything else?

I am down, please don't go.
Or take me when you leave.

I'm a little bit broken.
And a little bit lost.
But I like to think I'm getting a little bit better.
And I can't blame you.
But I do.
And you'll never understand.
But I think you should.
And there I go, thinking again.
But at least I'm still writing, hey?

Sing it quiet, sing it slow.
And I will listen loud.

I want to run and scream and stretch and pull and fall and hurt and hurt and hurt.
I want to stay, and go, and belong, and stand out.
I want I want I want I want.
I need.

I need to stop looking back.
I need to stop worrying.
I need to stop thinking 'What If?'
I need to stop thinking.
I need to stop.

I miss you.

Incompréhensible

How is it that something which surrounds us each and every day, can still be so foreign.
We will never understand.
It will never make sense.
Things won't change.
Life will go on, or so we think.
Why wasn't this the case for you?

Why can't I help but ask these questions I know will never be answered.
If you knew, you'd still be here.
You should still be here.
You are you are you are.

Tristesse.

I find myself sinking. Pulled down by the beauty I find in sadness.
An image. A chord. A symbol.
Why does it have this impact? Why do I form a connection with that which would pass so many others by.
We are surrounded by tragedy; painful, cruel, and raw.
How is it that love still remains.
Above all else, love remains.
In a letter that will never be read.
In the hug of family reunited.
In one man's friendship with a three-legged dog.
In a bird's broken body.
In a tree on a hill.
In the loss of a brother.
In the loss of a friend.
Even in the heartbreak that is lost love.
Love remains.
And it is beautiful.
And it hurts.

Truth.

"When you love someone so much,
After every fight, every argument, every heart break...
At the end of the day, none of it even matters any more.
Because you'd rather keep the relationship, and let the problem go.
Not keep the problem, and let the relationship go.

No matter what happens.
No matter how much it hurt.
Nothing is more important than that person."

Just the words I needed to encounter on a night like this.

Rancunes.

That's the thing about holding grudges;

Even when you think you've won,
you realise what you've really lost.

Question.

Do you forget sometimes?
Forget that I can't always control it.
Forget that I can't always express it.
Forget that it's more than just a bad mood.
Forget that it's more than I can handle alone.
Forget that it won't disappear overnight.
Forget that it won't listen to reason.
Forget that it's a sickness.
Forget that it's a struggle.
Do you forget that I don't want it?

Do I forget sometimes?
Forget that you don't understand.
Forget that you don't think.
Forget that you can't read minds.
Forget that you can't make it stop.
Forget how easily I break.
Forget how easily I blame.
Forget it's not just about me.
Forget it's not your fault.
Do I forget that you don't want it?


Yes.
Twenty times over, a bit fat fucking Yes.

Circles

"i miss ****** ****** and you waaaaaa D:"

It's things like this that make me feel like I actually don't exist, and I really am just going around in circles.

HELLO UNIVERSE, I AM STILL HERE.